On 12/8/92 I had made peace, again, with the priest who had propositioned me, apologized in private, but then lied to his provincial (or at least permitted his provincial to lie to me about what he had done).  I wrote about it in my Christmas letter and shared copies with everyone I could think of.  On 12/12 I composed a leaflet for the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe drawing parallels between the oppression by the institutional church of native peoples in the 1530's in Mexico and of those sexually abused everywhere in the church today.  With other members of the Alliance for Justice, I distributed these leaflets at the archbishop's Mass in honor of Our Lady of Guadalupe on Sunday.

 On Sunday I also went to the priest who had been my perpetrator's superior when I had reported his second proposition, the one whose response had been, "Healing takes a long time."  He'd read my Christmas letter.  He knew I cannot sue his community.  Naively, I thought, "Surely now, in private, he will apologize to me and all this will be over."  Instead, he said, "I cannot apologize to you.  I have done nothing to apologize for.  I had been provincial before; I knew what to do when you came to me.  When I was provincial, I'd been accused of something worst than you were.  I never defended myself.  God permits these things for our personal growth."  When I tried to thank him for a least believing me, he objected, "I never said I believe you"!!!!

 In 1986 when I had reported, "Father Mike propositioned me," no member of his community asked for any details.  The next day I told the pastor I wanted Father Mike to get treatment so he wouldn't hurt others; the pastor replied Father Mike had no problem except me!  When I asked to speak again to the superior, he listened but said only that he was a busy man with work to do.  There was no investigation.  No one ever spoke to me about my disclosure afterwards.  Certainly no one ever told me Father Mike had denied what he had done and had told some terrible lie about me.  It is just as well; I can imagine having strangled him with my bare hands, committed suicide, or filed the lawsuit he so fears before the statute of limitations had run out!

 Denial is an interesting phenomenon.  The words I had used for the way Father Mike's community responded to me after my disclosure were "They treated me as if I'd propositioned him," but not until last Sunday, 12/13/92, had I admitted to myself that he had lied to his superiors about what he had done and they had believed him, an alcoholic, with no attempt to learn the truth.  I was very angry.   I left a message on the answering machine at Father Mike's parish suggesting that he continued praying for me as I struggled to forgive him.  I wrote the archbishop a letter pointing out the actions of Father Mike's community have been evil and should not be tolerated.  Provincial superiors answer only to Rome.  From reading Jason Berry's book LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION; CATHOLIC PRIESTS AND THE SEXUAL ABUSE OF CHILDREN, I knew writing the Papal Nuncio would be a waste of paper.  Lawyers and God are victims' only recourse.

 On Friday I went to celebrate with the archbishop his anniversary of ordination.  At that time, the chancellor looked me in the eye and said, "I believe you." God does answer prayers!  Both the chancellor and the archbishop begged me to accept a check from them.  The chancellor assured me no mention of sexual abuse would appear in Father Mike's personnel file.  "This is a private matter between you and the archbishop," the chancellor promised me (Why I should care at this point I'm having trouble remembering!  I did ask him about it again, but I didn't ask him to put it in writing.).  "Let the money be a Christmas present from me," the archbishop insisted.

 On Friday evening, thinking I would be required to sign a release promising to stop my pursuit of truth if I accepted a check on Monday, I went to the parish where I'd met Father Mike.   Members of his community tried to brush me off when I asked politely to speak to them about all this.  I threatened to kill myself in their church.  Then I actually let some air out of one tire on each of their cars.  The pastor came out waving his arms and threatening to call the police.  "Go ahead.  Please do.  Hurry.  All the TV stations and newspapers in this town have copies of my story.  If you have me arrested, they can print them!"  I replied.  When no police arrived after some time, I went home to dinner promising to return on Sunday.  Members of the Alliance for Justice joined me Sunday morning in distributing the last of our leaflets about Our Lady of Guadalupe, but no police appeared then either.  Sunday morning I mailed Father Mike a tiny homemade gift, a scratch pad decorated with my rubber stamps.  On the package I wrote, "I know you have at least some sorrow;  I forgive you for the lie you told about me in 1986."

 On Monday at 4:15 p.m. I was handed a check for the amount the lawyer's letter suggested the archbishop pay for my counseling by Corinne Taylor, $2401.80.  It didn't reimburse me for all I spent for counseling.  I took him bills totaling $3300.00 from six other counselors I'd seen trying to heal my clergy sexual abuse and told him there were two additional from counselors who have since left town.  It doesn't matter.  The check was a Christmas present.

 The first thing I did after receiving the archbishop's Christmas present was to write thank you notes to him and to the chancellor.  Then I gave four hundred dollars to another survivor of clergy sexual abuse who has gotten no money from the archdiocese and whose insurance will not pay for her marriage counseling.  Her sexual abuse by a priest has taken a serious toll on her marriage.  I also gave gifts to the lawyer, my counselor, the archbishop, and the chancellor.  I gave a hundred dollars to an incest survivor whose father will never apologize to her or begin to make amends for all the ways he has hurt her.  It will help her buy groceries as she makes her last car payment.  I had Eucharist celebrated a number of times in thanksgiving and for all abused and their families as well as for all abusers and for all their families.

 How I long for peace!  How I want all this to be over!  Martin Luther King Jr., said, "No man is free until all men are free."  Yesterday I helped a dear friend, also a survivor of clergy sexual abuse, respond to a letter from the provincial of her perpetrator.  The letter shows obvious good will but great ignorance.  The provincial says in three  years he has had nine disclosures of clergy sexual abuse.  Two priests confessed.  Three allegations were withdrawn when the priests denied them.  Lawyers assure him there is no legal substance to the other charges.  This man honestly believes sexual abuse only occurred in two cases!  I pointed out to him that not all survivors are as articulate, persistent, or as healed of shame as I am.  Not everyone knows how to write thank you letters to those who have hurt them!  I also emphasized that the degree of sexual penetration is not the issue.  Three sexual sentences, many lies, and the irresponsibility of his superiors have resulted in my severe depression.  I lost sleep.  I spent time and money counseling.  I almost lost my job.  I nearly lost my faith.  I came close to losing my life.

 I have personally spoken to over twenty survivors of clergy sexual abuse.  I've heard their pain at betrayal by one whom they trusted like a father, their fear that somehow, whether they were minors legally unable to consent at the time or vulnerable adults who had turned in trust, not to an equal but to a priest with such professional power that consensual sex was an impossibility, what happened was their fault.  I have heard their love for the men who had lied to them telling them they were special, loved as their own fathers had not been able to love them.  (In some survivors, this love is so covered by hurt that it sounds like hatred.)  I have met the parents of a young man who committed suicide just after he'd shared with them that he'd been sexually abused by a priest.  I have read about Freud's betrayal of those incested, changing his theories to please men in power.  I have heard from what should be reliable sources that in New Mexico right now there are over forty known priest perpetrators and over 400 known survivors!

 Years ago I met a woman who admitted to me she loved a priest and wanted him to leave the priesthood to marry her.  I know such people exist.  Recently a man I know learned that the woman he had married years before had lied to him; the child, for whom he had paid support from the time of his divorce until she herself married, is not his daughter!  There probably are a few crazy people in the world who would lie about a priest for money or vengeance;  however, I believe in almost all cases lies are told by priests after abusing the vulnerable, LIES, by PRIESTS-THE SAME ONES WHO GET UP IN THE PULPIT AND READ THE EIGHTH COMMANDMENT: THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS AGAINST THY NEIGHBOR!!!!

 Or perhaps the priests are in denial.  I also have spoken to a priest after a young man he had sexually abuse shared with me his story speaking haltingly, painfully, questioning whether it wasn't his fault even though the priest had gotten him drunk and he'd only been sixteen at the time.  He'd had an orgasm and had experienced pleasure; hadn't that made it his fault?  The priest said to me, "I don't care to discuss it; my conscience is clear"!!!  I read in Jason Berry's book about a woman who mutilated herself with a pair of scissors, and I wept because I'd had thoughts of slicing my arm and walking up to receive Communion bleeding so the pain I felt on the inside would be visible to priests on the outside.  No sane person would go through the pain I have for a couple thousand dollars or even several million.  As a teacher I cannot rest until society learns to believe the abused.

 NOTE:  Father Mike did not rape me.  HE NEVER EVEN TOUCHED ME!!  The seriousness of his harm to me has to do with betrayal of trust.  Many times in my live I've been propositioned by an equal.  That is unpleasant, disappointing, insulting, but not devastating.  A priest in my parish I'd turned to in need took advantage of my vulnerability.  He indicated to me that I, who loved him LIKE A FATHER, meant no more to him than a piece of meat.  He lied TO me on many occasional  He lied ABOUT what he had done.  He told some lie ABOUT ME that led to my being mistreated in my own parish by those who should have been ministering God's love to me, and all they will say is "God permits this for our personal growth"!  So God does!  But that does not make it right, or excuse them from apologizing.  The oppressed may pray "All shall be well," but this is not for oppressors to pray as they continue to oppress!!

 I pledge to keep talking and writing, sharing my story.  I call on all survivors to do the same.  Sexual abuse is an evil that can be stopped.

The National Conference of Catholic Bishops needs to formulate a national policy.  Then that needs to be followed.  Many priests who sexually abuse are so compulsive that they need to be removed from ministry.  Others can be treated.  Investigations need to be conducted.  Accused clergy (which includes sisters and brothers) need to be sent for inpatient evaluation at appropriate facilities.  Survivors need to be believed and to have their counseling paid for so they can begin to heal.  The truth must be told to congregations where abuse has taken place.  In his book, Berry estimates that by 2000 the Catholic church will have paid out one BILLION dollars in lawyer fees and treatment expenses.  The causes of the problem need to be addressed if there is to be a church!  Of the over twenty survivors of clergy sexual abuse I've spoken to, only five are now attending church regularly.  Only truth and justice will bring healing and reconciliation.  We must all pray for all abused and their families as well as all abusers and their families.