I no longer have suicidal thoughts or desires.  I'm again able to cook for myself and enjoy simple pleasures like a sunset or good music.  I no longer cry at Mass daily, only every other day or so.   I have claimed for myself at least some measure of the peace and the healing that the archbishop wanted for me when he gave me a check for Christmas.  He and the chancellor are in my prayers but seldom in my thoughts now.

 My thoughts are still full of my perpetrator and his community.  Living with injustice is not easy.  I sent copies of the first printing of this booklet to Father Mike's superiors so they might see how incredible his lie is.  I asked them for a word that would signal their sorrow at my pain.  (One thing I have learned the last few months is that asking for written apologies today is quite unrealistic.)  I'd sent copies of my Christmas letter to several members of Father Mike's community.  I have had no word from any of them and do not really expect to hear from any of them.  I wrote Father Mike a note telling him my request and explaining that I believe I win either way, with or without apologies.

 The injustice I suffer allows me to stand in solidarity with all those oppressed even more severely than I, those incested whose perpetrators will never acknowledge how they have been hurt, those oppressed for their race, sex, sexual orientation, age, nationality, whatever.  It also reminds me to daily examine my conscience for both personal and social sins I may have committed against others, and to work diligently for the liberation of all those I oppress by my citizenship, status, affiliations, etc.   I have hope.  I have some measure of peace in 1993, a fullness of peace will come only with justice for all.
 
 

 On January 9th as I prayed in the church where Father Mike and I had met, I was insulted by another member of his community.  I struggled to reconcile valuing the humiliation, a gift to keep me safely on the path of the spiritual journey, and needing to stop my abuse at this church.  I contemplated using the threat of force.  Today I was sent a young man who shared deeply with me of his abusive childhood and his struggle to forgive his father.  For weeks I'd been inquiring how there was to be justice if I did not exact it when God is so merciful all of us will be forgiven every offense.  I was reminded that the love we unleash when we forgive someone is so powerful that it alone will bring about the offender's conversion.  Fear  is the opposite of love.  One who has nothing to fear is free to love.  It had worked with my father and Father Mike.  It will work with the members of his community.  I made the decision to forgive every one of them for each offense against me over the years.  I wrote them a letter telling them this and wishing them the peace of Jesus.  This ends my personal struggle - except with those who will be unable to believe me!
 
 

Dear Fathers,

 On Friday, 1/9, I celebrated Eucharist at your parish at noon.  I had delivered Meals on Wheels at 11:00 a.m., and I'd promised to take a friend shopping at 1:00 p.m.   Father Rex was presiding.   He preached a fine homily about Jesus touching lepers and wanting us to do the same.

 At Communion time, I approached Father Rex, who was distributing Hosts on the side of the church where I had been sitting.  He dropped a Host into my hand.  I was so surprised that when I got back to my place, instead of praying, I watched him give Communion to others.  He did not drop Hosts into their hands; he placed Hosts gently.

 After Mass, instead of slipping quietly out the west door, I deliberately followed Father Rex into the foyer and shook his hand.  Instead of grasping my whole hand, Father shook only my fingers.  I said to him  "I do not have leprosy, Father."  "No, but you have other things," was his response.  He turned from me and greeted others but would not speak to me further.  There were witnesses.

 I do have other things:  a strong hunger and thirst for justice, truth on my side, a clear conscience, no reason not to pray at your parish, and a great devotion to Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament.  I do not expect there to ever be a similar incident.  I expect all members of your community to live the rule of life you have professed.
Years ago, Father Mike, ill with the disease of alcoholism, on two different occasions, spoke inappropriate, sexual, harmful words to me.  He has gotten sober.  He has apologized to me and made amends.  I have forgiven him.

 Those who were his superiors, at the time I reported what Father Mike had said to me, did confront him, but instead of conducting a proper investigation and being concerned for me, simply accepted his lies told out of fear and out of the realization that his words to me had been a serious wrong.  These men, realizing how seriously I have been  wronged, are afraid to apologize to me now.  I forgive them.

 Over the past nine years I have been hurt by many words, deeds and omissions by many members of your community.  I spite of all of these, I believe each priest and brother aspires to truly live the mystery of the Eucharist and to proclaim its meaning to the world by your lives.  Years ago I chose as my patroness Mary under her title as Mother of God because I wish to give flesh to God in my life.  Many times I have failed by acting on my fear instead of loving.  I forgive each and every member of your community for every offense against me.  I ask your continued prayers for me.

 I pray each of you may be filled with the peace of Jesus.
 

 It is 6:00 p.m. on Saturday, Feb. 20, 1993.  I am sitting in the CIRT Pod at UNM.  I'm in too much pain to work on my spread sheet or any other program; I'm forced to continue the forgiveness work I've been struggling with all day.

 I had gone to bed at 2:00 a.m., but I was unable to get to sleep until about 4:00 a.m.  At some point after that I woke up from a dream that my bishop had murdered some people so no one would find out about his clergy sexual abuse!

 At noon I called Father Mike on an impulse.  He listened.  Not too coherently I shared my hurt and confusion.  I'm just admitting to myself that not only did the letter from his provincial last fall contain a lie, but that he must have lied over the years to several members of his community.  When I disclosed to his superiors that he had propositioned me, I'd always presumed that he'd told them the truth, that they had simply chosen to ignore me.

 Two years ago for Valentine's Day I took Father Mike a 36" red heart shaped balloon; the priest who came to the door when I delivered it was the one who has been so disrespectful to me.  Did he think there was something wrong with my friendship with Father Mike?  Did he confront him in charity?  Did Father Mike lie to him?  Father Mike had a wedding or something.   When he tried to excuse himself, I hung up on him.

 I cried for several minutes then called my counselor.  Listening to this is getting very difficult for her.   She interrupted me  for the first time I remember.  She also pointed out my faulty assumptions: men are no less likely to lie just because they are priests!  Rather, since men who become priests are so wounded, they are more likely to tell lies and engage in other broken behavior.  She used some phrase about men who are unable to hold jobs in the real world!  She explained to me Father Mike is not "split;" he was conflicted and was human like all the rest of us!

 After she and I talked, I wrote Father Mike a note apologizing for hanging up on him when he couldn't listen any longer, for "labeling" him, and for expecting him to be less human than other men.  I explained that when he'd had to end our "conversation" earlier, I was trying to tell him I realize that just because I'm beginning to "get on with my life" doesn't mean he is free to be truthful.  I assured him of my love and prayers and that I know I have his.  I promised to try not to call him again.   I told him about an incident a couple of weeks ago when a friend whom I was hugging good-by became sexually aroused and looked at me as if he wanted to kiss me.  I invited Father to join me in thanking God for our non sexual hugs.  I called and read this to Father Mike, who was, by this time, back in his office.  He said "Thank you!" before I hung up on him again!

 In today's mail was a letter from a friend who lives out of state and who is a survivor of sexual abuse by his Episcopal priest when he was a child.  Ralph says he cannot forgive what he has not yet remembered.  I cannot forgive what I have not yet admitted to myself!  Healing is a long, slow, painful process.

 What I am realizing today is that Father Mike was not and is not free to tell his Brothers the truth.  How awful to live with men with whom one cannot be honest, with whom one cannot share one's mistakes!  How sad that after years of denying clergy sexual abuse, today power structures in the church are overreacting with legalism, ignoring the law of love they supposedly are to teach.

 Besides being alive and having the gift of faith, I have so much to be grateful for:  I'm retired with enough money to live on.  When I make a mistake, I can admit it without fear of terrible repercussions.  While I was able to, I showed Father Mike in every way I could think of just how very much I love him.  Father Mike does not act on his fear by hanging up on me as I do on him!  For eight years Father Mike and I shared wonderful hugs that were never sexual.  Although he is afraid to talk to me any more, Father Mike still listens to me when I ask him to; his silence eloquently tells me that he is sorry for all his lies and that he still loves me and prays for me.  I have lots of people who listen to me sort out my feelings.  My counselor has listened to me for nine years, day or night, and never charged me for my calls to her!  By God's grace, I am well on the road to recovery; I have learned a lot about forgiveness.

A week ago Monday the major news channel here aired a copyrighted story that Archbishop Robert Sanchez has been accused of sexual abuse by five women who are to appear on a Sixty Minutes program perhaps this coming Sunday.  I had heard from two sources last January that victims of the archbishop existed. I also heard from a couple of different sources that he has a daughter now almost twenty, by a former nun presently living in Seattle.  The media reported he paid some woman $25,000 a year ago, but they have been unable to speak to the archbishop or to any of the women.  The story has made the front page of the paper every day, nevertheless.

Last Sunday many priests spoke from the pulpit urging Catholics to forgive the archbishop for being human.  Support rallies are planned.  Petitions that he be allowed to remain as archbishop are being circulated.  A white ribbon means "We love our archbishop"!!  I chose to pray at a Lutheran church where a former pastor abused eight women; they know how to pray for abused as well as abusers.

A priest spoke to the media this week saying he'd learned of the archbishop's abuse from one of the women in 1984.  He'd tried to arrange a meeting of three of the women with the bishop of Pueblo, CO, but the women were terrified their parents would learned what had happened.  All were in their late teens when the abuse took place.  The priest, a father, an editorial in Thursday's paper, and my counselor all agree that the power between the archbishop and a woman half his age is unequal; no consent was possible.

The headline on Wednesday night's paper was that the archbishop told several of the women to get on the pill!!!!!

A reporter I spoke with on Thursday morning said he'd just talked to a woman, now twenty-four, who'd shared that the archbishop used to take her out to lunch when she was seventeen and eighteen.  The last time he drove her back to work, the archbishop gave her a big kiss on the mouth!

I know that the archbishop spoke with Father Mike after I told him  that Father Mike had propositioned me twice; before, Father  Mike would not say, "Thank you;" the archbishop was quite upset about that.  For a few weeks Father Mike remembered to thank me.  But did the archbishop ever confront his sexual abuse?  Probably not.  I have written a number of imaginary dialogues in my head this week about the archbishop suggesting to Father Mike that he find someone younger who won't tell.

When I got home early this morning from the computer lab, I found a newspaper in my neighbor's yard.  I sobbed in relief when I read  that yesterday the pope asked prayers for the archbishop's victims.  Then I read the article that said he was more concerned about the scandal.
 
 

  For years I have wanted to write my own booklet to help others pray the Way of the Cross.  This is a prayer I have found very meaningful, especially since my clergy sexual abuse.  Sunday I began typing each station of Jesus' Passion from all four Gospel writers.  I'm only partly finished, but the typing is a form of meditation.  Before next Lent I will have a booklet to share with others to enhance  their prayer.

As I typed the story of Peter's denial, I could not help remembering the Mass Father Mike celebrated at my house for my birthday when I was 41.  He insisted on choosing Peter's denial for the Gospel reading.  He was feeling very guilty about having propositioned me and about having arranged this private celebration with the intention of getting me in bed!!  What lie would he make up about it if some one confronted him about it now????

Andrew Greeley,  a priest in the diocese of Chicago, is the author of over thirty books.  Last month his latest novel FALL FROM GRACE was published.  It is about an Irish family involved in Chicago politics and about pedophilia in the Catholic Church.  Father Greely does not hesitate to reveal the problems of clergy sexual abuse, including damaged priests, denial, cover up, and misuse of power.  I stayed up all night reading my copy.  I just finished writing a review of the book in hopes that many others will read it.  It is entertaining and also very educational.

This week and last my Medieval English Mystics class has been reading SHOWINGS by Julian of Norwich.  She was granted a vision by God of the Passion of Christ.  He gave her to understand that by Christ's Passion, the devil was conquered.  The Trinity assured her that because of sin and death being overcome, all shall be well.  I had been quite depressed last week about all the clergy sexual abuse coming to light.  When I read these words, I was given hope.  In spite of all the evil that exists now, ALL SHALL BE WELL!  What a grace to be reading this book at this time!

Last Friday the chancellor held his now weekly news conference.  A week ago he said Sanchez wanted to return to New Mexico, at least to say "Good-by" to everyone.  This week he announced Sanchez may never return.  Sanchez is "in counseling but not in therapy"!  Articles about clergy sexual abuse make the front page of THE TRIBUNE nearly every day still.
 
 

 St. Valentine's Day felt hard this year.  So did my birthday when I remembered Fr. Mike saying to me in January 1985 that although he could not counsel me again we could still celebrate our special days together!  Then the news of the archbishop's victims, which I'd heard as rumors in January, became public.  Seven of the women he has sexually abused came forward, three appearing on Sixty Minutes.  The archbishop had listened to me.  I have believed that he had prayed for me and Father Mike, even if he had never confronted him or investigated my disclosure of clergy sexual abuse.  He'd given me money for Christmas, part of what I paid for my counseling about my abuse.  I wept for him with the many who love him.  I also stopped attending daily mass when all the prayers were for perpetrators, and victims were forgotten or blamed.

 Twenty priests accused of sexual abuse have made the front page of the local papers.  With the acceptance of the archbishop's resignation and the appointment of a new interim bishop, I again dare to hope that I may experience the justice of apologies from Father Mike's community in my lifetime.

 Holy Thursday's Eucharist with a reenactment of Jesus washing his disciples' feet brought me many tears as I got in touch with my grief and my rage.  Sexual abuse by priests of those they have been sent to serve is so far from what Jesus modeled!!  Forgiveness is a process.  It does not equal forgetting but working for justice for all!

 I prepare to spend the remainder of the archbishop's check to me for a trip to Hawaii where I'll make two retreats and photograph flowers and the ocean.
 
 

I have been in lots of pain the past two weeks.   When I heard that a new interim bishop had been appointed, I got my hopes up that he would be horrified at how I have been treated and would conduct a real investigation examining my fifty spiral notebooks full of journalings from the past nine years and the correspondence I have had from Father Mike since I supposedly falsely accused him of propositioning me as well as interviewing some of my  six counselors  and three spiritual directors I have spoken to about my clergy sexual abuse.  The bishop has not responded to  any of my notes, gifts, Easter card, or letter.  His secretary tells me he is too busy to speak to me.  I have been flooded with very violent thoughts against myself and against priests.  A week ago I called the police and was taken to the mental health center (in handcuffs!)  A couple of hours later I walked out having learned that Father Mike did not even commit a petty misdemeanor,  the person who was on duty at the Mental Health Center to handle crises was too busy to even listen to my answers to the questions she asked me, and there are no therapists available at the Mental Health Center I can see!!!