A couple of hours ago I finished the  final for my  Medieval English Mystics class.  I knew enough to be able to write for two hours.   Monday I'll know my grade for the course.  I got back the  paper  I had turned in; I got an A on it!

 Three books I have looked at the past few weeks have impacted me deeply.  I got out my well marked copy of WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.  On  pages 77-79 I reviewed what Robin Norwood says about women who grow up with emotionally absent mothers as mine was due to her disease of alcoholism.  One consequence is that these girls do not learn the powerlessness that little girls learn who cannot have their fathers all to themselves.  Another is that fathers with emotionally absent wives, in order to avoid the incest taboo, fail to validate their daughter's femininity.  In BELONGING I'd just read that in healthy families little girls first flirt with their fathers.  In Sipe's book CELIBACY: A SECRET WORLD, I'd been uncomfortable as I'd read case studies of women who had long term deeply emotional relationships with priests with only sporadic phone contact.  Norwood says women with emotionally absent mothers learn that the only kind of love that is O.K. is nurturing love; they have no internal permission to be sexual.

 On March 21, 1992, I took perpetual private vows.  I was very much at peace about vowing consecrated celibacy that day because I believed that Father Mike and I loved each other and would pray for each other daily for the rest of our lives.  I'd taken temporary vows three times before that.  Each time I took temporary vows there was some part of me that wanted Father Mike to say,  "Wait!  I want to marry you."  About a week ago my counselor said to me that Mimi, my inner Child,  wanted to marry Daddy.  All these pieces are coming together for me, at least to the extent I want to talk about them and explore who I am, where I am, how I got there,  where I really want to be, and how I might get there.

 On Saturday 5/1  I spoke with Father Mike.  Before I hung up I said to myself that I really am facing a brick wall in regards to getting apologies.  I also said, "Perhaps learning powerlessness is more valuable than getting apologies."  If only I could stay with that thought.  Sometimes more than once a day I try again to do something to get truth and justice from Father Mike's community and the archdiocese of Santa Fe.  A week ago my counselor suggested that my struggle is really with my father.  "If you terrorize them more, you might get them to pay for more of your counseling, but you will never get the validation and nurturing you want from them."  When she said that, I knew she was right.  This week I remembered the incident that led to my asking my father to go with me to family therapy ten years ago last month.  I'd awakened  with a visualization of standing over his bed with a shotgun.  With Mother dead, he was putting me in the role of the family scapegoat.  I need very much to understand this better.  Do I need a male therapist to help me do this work?

 In the middle of the night Monday, I woke up with adrenaline pumping through my body.  As I tried to meditate, I was flooded with violent thoughts against priests.   There is not a single specific priest I know to whom I can imagine doing a harmful thing, but nothing would stop the thoughts or the adrenaline for about an hour and a half.  I felt frightened by my anger, even though I know anger is a necessary stage of grieving, and is much healthier directed at those who hurt me than at myself.

 I've interviewed two therapists this past week.  One did not seem to believe in his own magic enough to be able to help me believe in it.  The other did not qualify for my insurance plan.  My inner child is eager to go to work.  She is tired, frightened, angry, and lonely.  Yesterday she burst into tears in a couple of inappropriate places.  Where/ how do I find a qualified therapist?
 

 The front page of today's Albuquerque Journal has a story about me and my clergy sexual abuse.  Not all the details are accurate, but the story is in print for all to see.  Father Mike's name and the name of his community were omitted,  and it does not have his picture, but it is a start.  I have been in pain since I first asked for apologies from his community;  I have been discounted and ignored.  Now lots of people know about my pain.  Perhaps more people will pray for me!  I can at least guess now why the interim bishop has refused to meet with me.  The chancellor  must have told him some lie abut me.  I'm not surprised or even especially hurt by the  lies about me in the paper; I have come to expect them over the past months!

 In my search for a therapist the past couple of weeks I have heard a couple of comments that have been helpful.  A woman said to me, "Father Mike's problem wasn't that he wasn't supervised but that he wasn't ethical."  This is true.  He did have a superior,  a confessor, an AA sponsor, and  a therapist.  If he chose not to discuss his feelings about me and our interaction with any of them, having had a supervising counselor would have done little good.  A man I spoke to said, "He needed you more than you needed him."  That seems obvious to me from this point also.  Father Mike  could not tell me the truth; he could not urge me to find a healthy relationship because he needed my friendship.  My pain has been tremendous.  So much has not made sense.  I wrote to him last week telling him I knew he still loved me and prayed for me, but when I got through, even I couldn't help noticing how fast I'd "danced to create the illusion we were dancing together." I'm exhausted.   Today I have no desire to call him.  I have nothing more to say.  Perhaps some priest  will press charges saying I threatened to kill him.   I don't care. I hold no hope for truth or justice from a group of men who have already lied!  Perhaps Father Mike and his community continue to huddle in some corner hoping if they ignore me long enough I will go away!  I really don't care.

 Last night the woman  counselor I have seen all these years said it is little wonder that I don't trust God to bring these men to justice when there have been so few trustworthy men in my life.   God understands that!

 Last night the newspaper reporter who was writing the story called and asked, "I have here three police reports about your threatening to shoot priests.  Tell me about them. Ha Ha!"  A reporter on the Tribune  called this morning ending his message with  "Have fun.!"  Will no one hear my pain??  I have been robbed of my faith in the institution of the Catholic Church.  I have had to give up my belief that priests who preside at Eucharist daily are holy men.  I have had the man I loved most in this world lie about me to try to save his own skin-after he had lied to me so many, many times.  I AM NOT LAUGHING.
 
 

On Tuesday May 11th I learned from another survivor that two of the women I know from the Alliance for Justice are in one of the local psychiatric hospitals after attempting suicide.  Not only that, there are five others who have been sexually abused by clergy also in the same hospital!   The  following Monday I learned that there are FOUR MORE in yet another local hospital!   I feel sad for these people, afraid I may end up with them, and very angry that those who have been abused are not receiving more healing from the church.  Monday night May  12th I  woke up at  3:30 AM.  For an hour and a half I was flooded with violent thoughts against priests.  My body was  pumping adrenaline.  Finally at 5 AM it stopped.  I called  four answering machines of priests letting them know how much pain I was in and urging them to pray for me.  A week later I got a phone call from a reporter at The Journal asking me about three police reports about my threatening to kill priests  (Two were from when I called asking for help lest I do something violent.)  The reporter laughed and acted as if he thought it were funny.  I let him know I didn't.  Tuesday morning the paper ran a FRONT PAGE story about me and my clergy sexual abuse.  Someone had called the chancellor about my message on an answering machine.  The chancellor's response was to file a police report that, the paper reports, says I called him several times threatening to kill priests and urging I be arrested!!   I NEVER did.

 Tuesday night Channel 13 News ran the interview with me they had taped weeks earlier about my abuse.  After months of trying to get the media to publicize my story, I'm full of mixed emotions:  I'm grateful my abuse is VERY public knowledge and that no one is asking me why I would falsely accuse a priest, I'm sad that priests act on their fear, and I'm peaceful about the humiliation.  I have been busy typesetting and illustrating this story.  I'm hopeful since I've not wanted to write Father Mike for a  week, not even to send him the clipping.
 
 

       Last Monday l finally made the trip to the police station to read the report that had been filed against me.  Some things l once told a police officer got written down differently than the way I told him. Could a Catholic priest tell a lie? Since last September, l have learned that such a thing is a possibility.

       Today l spoke with the priest who supposedly reported me.  He shared that he laughed when his secretary, who had listened to my message, told him that l was threatening to kill him. He knows he would be one of the last people l would want to harm in any way. He has supported victims of clergy sexual abuse for years.

       lt was his secretary who misunderstood my message and called the chancellor. She could hear the anger in my voice; the nonverbal message was so strong she missed what the words were really saying. For years l taught my students that words are only a small part of any communication. l have learned an important lesson from all this. l may share that l am having violent fantasies with others, but l will be very careful where l share the content of the fantasies in the future.

       l checked with the priests who own the other answering machines upon which l left messages. They knew l was not threatening to kill them.

       A couple of people have said to me that violent thoughts are from the devil. There may be a more simple explanation. While attending last summer's ecumenical workshop on sexual abuse in the church, l heard a talk by a lawyer who is the chancellor of the Episcopal diocese of Denver. He said whenever he does not handle victims properly, they become suicidal and murderous. l have had a normal reaction to my mistreatment by Father Mike, his community, and the archdiocese.

       Last summer when l wrote THE STORY OF GOD'S MERCY, l told of being propositioned twice by an alcoholic priest who later apologized and made amends to me.  Since asking his superiors to apologize for ignoring my disclosure, l have been revictimized:
 

• l have been further ignored.
• l have been accused of something like making all this up because the priest would not go to bed with me (No one will tell me exactly what!).
• I have been told it was all my fault.
• My reality has been denied.
• I have been betrayed by the man I loved most in this world.
• And now I have been accused of threatening to kill priests!

      In spite of all this I am still a Catholic. I still go to mass every day and pray for all these men! I still believe Jesus is really, truly present in the Blessed Sacrament as the perfect sacrifice to the Father and as my Daily Bread. As much as I would like to, I cannot just walk away.

      I'm told the statute of limitations for personal injury was changed by the legislature; I may be able to sue as of July 1st. I do not want to sue. I do not want money. I want priests to practice what they preach! I want priests to act like good shepherds, not like hirelings. This week my violent fantasies have been replaced by a fantasy of a Eucharistic celebration attended by me and by all those priests who have harmed me. At the penitential rite, we apologize to each other; at the kiss of peace we all hug! Unfortunately, this is only a fantasy. These men are so frightened, it will never happen. And if it did, it would not be enough. I want much more than just my own healing; I grieve deeply for all those abused. If such a reconciliation did take place, I'd expect these priests to do the same for other victims! I want truth and justice and compassion for all! I won't stop talking and writing and praying and offering my pain to God for them until it happens, which may take more than my lifetime! The problem is very widespread. I believe that some parts of the church as we know it today must go up in flames, but that a phoenix will rise from the ashes. (This is not a threat to burn down a building!!)