Last summer after writing  THE STORY OF GOD'S MERCY and saying "Good-by" to Father Mike, I wrote his provincial fully expecting an apology and for all this to be over.  I had read copies of sexual abuse policies by several groups all of which said believe the abused or conduct an investigation, apologize, and make restitution.  I was dismayed at the lies and denial and stonewalling I received .  (So was my spiritual director!)  Events of the past months have put my experience in perspective.  I am only one of tens of thousands who have been sexually abused in the church.  Some groups are beginning to respond as church; many others are still responding legalistically.  I have lost count of the lawsuits filed against my archdiocese!  In spite of urgings to the contrary by the chancellor, no one has pressed any charges against me for threatening to kill priests since my story made the front page of the newspaper!  No one has said anything to me about falsely accusing a priest!  All the comments I have received have been to commend my courage for speaking out on this issue.  A couple of weeks ago my counselor suggested my rage is not really at priests but at my father.   I can believe she is right, but all my efforts to find a male therapist with whom I might explore my father issues have been fruitless; I have called many and interviewed four, none of whom were helpful.   Since the successful completion of my class at the university, I have enjoyed working to prepare this story for publication.  I am beginning to look forward to my trip to Hawaii;  I do hope time away and the retreats will be relaxing and healing, though after reading Jason Berry's book, I may not want to pray much with the bishop of Honolulu!

 The road from victim to survivor is a long, painful one.  I gather strength  when I can remember  that all of this is just part of the spiritual journey.  The revelation to Julian of Norwich that Jesus conquered sin and death by His Passion and that therefore ALL SHALL BE WELL is a mystery, but it gives me hope.

 I ask you to believe those who have been abused  and to pray for all abused and their families and for all abusers and for their families.
Mary Isabel Steele
June, 1993

 I Will Not Be Silent
 

I will not be silent about my clergy sexual abuse.
I will not be silent about the lies which have caused me further suffering since I turned
    to my Church for healing.
I will not be silent about the thousands of other victims of clergy sexual abuse-some of
    whom have suicided-most of whom are now without faith.
I will not be silent about the victimization by the Church of even those who abuse.
I will not be silent about the persecution of my sisters and brothers who are lesbian, gay, transgendered, and bisexual - especially by a Church that preaches love for all.
I will not be silent about those living lies, covering up, and revictimizing those already
    wounded by the Church.
I will not be silent about ANY injustice.
 

I WILL NOT BE SILENT!!!!!!!!!

Mary Isabel Steele
June 1993
 
 

            LAND MINES
 

The war ended years ago.
Troops were sent home.
But I can't put it all behind me.
My life is strewn with land mines:
A casual remark by a friend,
An item on the news blows up in my face.
"Forget!" Wouldn't I like to!
Eleven years after the drunken priest first propositioned me,
The war he declared continues to slowly kill me.
My life is strewn with land mines.

Mary Isabel Steele
8/20/95
 
 

None of the times I had reported my abuse had there been a real investigation.  In April of 1994 I contacted the private investigators that the archdiocese had been using to investigate clergy sexual abuse in 1993.  I turned over to them my more than 50 journals and my correspondence from Fr. Mike.  They analyzed these and interviewed one spiritual director and one counselor as well as the priest I was supposed to have threatened to kill.

In a fifteen page report dated May 6, 1994, they conclude

• the priest knows I did not threaten to kill him
• my counselor believes my attraction to Fr. Mike was not sexual but his pattern of emotional closeness then withdrawal caused me much confusion and pain
• my spiritual director believes Fr. Mike propositioned me, had inappropriate boundaries, and was not always honest with me
• the correspondence from Fr. Mike in his handwriting is evidence of an attraction towards me and a failure to draw appropriate boundaries.  "He kept Mary tied to him both emotionally and spiritually in a way that was inappropriate for a priest-parishioner relationship."
• my journals in my handwriting substantiate that the propositions did occur and that I suffered tremendous confusion and hurt

• 13 letters
• 11 postcards
• 4 Christmas cards
• 3 Easter cards
• 2 memo notes
• 2 thank you cards
• 2 St. Patrick's Day cards
• 2 birthday cards
• 1 valentine

In four of his letters to me Fr. Mike quotes MY concern for our boundaries

• 4/17/91    "You asked whether our visit was appropriate.  I believe it was."
• 5/ 6/91    "You asked if you are a threat to my chastity.  You are not."
• 6/23/91    "You inquired about our friendship.  Our relationship has helped me a lot to learn that friendship is not bad."
• 1/19/92    "You asked if you'd ever shared anything inappropriate.  Nothing you have ever shared has ever bothered me or caused me any problems."

Mine is not a story of a woman who made a false accusation against a priest.  It is a story of a breech of feduciary duty by Fr. Mike and his superiors, supposed shepherds, responding like lawyers because they knew they were seriously at fault!

Sixteen years ago this month I was first propositioned by a Catholic priest.  In an attempt to make sense of the priest's words and actions, I learned to meditate.  I learned a lot about forgiveness.   I worked through some of my issues with my father and my mother.  I got the priest to apologize to me and to make restitution.  I learned a lot about sexual abuse.  I tried to have a spiritual friendship with the priest, but I came to realize that because we had met in a counseling situation, we could not be friends.  I told him good-by.  All this took hard work but resulted in wisdom and peace.  What if I had been able to quit there?

When I realized how many lies the priest had told me, I called his provincial and reported his abuse again;  I wrote his superiors to whom I had reported his abuse earlier and demanded an apology from them for not responding at the time as the now written polices said they should have.  I asked the chancellor to get me a written apology.  How naive I was!  Instead of apologies, I was revictimized.  I was accused, blamed, ignored, lied to and lied about!  I became so depressed I feared losing my job; I retired.  I continued to struggle to get apologies; after all, I believed in truth and justice!  For the first time in my life I experienced real oppression.  I soon saw how wide is the gap in the Catholic church between what is said and what is done.   I left the Catholic church and became a Lutheran.  I have severed ties with almost all my Catholic friends, who insisted on defending the priest, blaming me, and ignoring the real issues.

I returned to therapy.  I have come to realize what childhood issues contributed to my vulnerability to the priest and the Catholic church.  (I no longer respect my great uncle, now deceased, the former archbishop of Kansas City, Misouri!  When I was a teenager, I was told he might be canonized someday.  Now I ask how many cases of clergy sexual abuse he covered up!  I can't bring myself to finish reading the second biography written about him.)  I have much better boundaries today!  I'm much less naive.  When I hear of evil, I pray for oppressed and oppressors.

The media has had a part in my story.  Over thirty Catholic priests have made the front page of the local papers for their sexual abuse!  A lawyer I consulted told me I should have sued the church when my abuse happened; then he added, "Of course, no one would have believed you then!"  Father Mike has not yet made the front page of the paper.  I did, but the story was not accurate.  Twice a local television station has told parts of my story on the news; however, the facts were not correctly reported.  When I learn about yet another priest's abuse, all of the pain of the past is again stirred up.  Recent public acknowledgments by the pope and the local archbishop of the failures of the Catholic church are too little and too late.

I have started a business and connected to the internet; I have put up a web page where I have posted my book for all to read.

Mary Isabel Steele
Albuquerque, New Mexico
April 2000
 
 

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